Funreliable

Funreliable

Funinterested

Funsophisticated

Funpopular

Funpleasant

Funruly

Funwelcome

Funsociable

Funreasonable

Funreachable

Fundoable

Fundone

 

Funusable

Funusual   

Funkempt

Funabashed

Funtidy

Funjust

Funtouched

Funkind

Funcouth

Funcaring

Funcool

Funfit

Funfed

Funfair

Funarguable

Funeasy

 

Fun-tie-downable

Funapologetic

Funfollowed

Funfriended

Funresponsive

Funqualified

Funheard of

Funsatisified

Funinspired

Fundesired

Fundecided

Funresolved

Funresided  

Fundissolved 

Fungrateful

Funagreeable

Funfaithful

Funhinged

Funhappy

Funholy

Funmarried

Funbothered

 

Funemployable

Funintelligent

Funattractive

Funreserved

Funattainable

Fundeserved 

Funattentive

Funattached

Funashamed

Funexcited

Funafraid

Funinvestable 

Funforgettable

Funregrettable

Funrelatable

Fundebatable   

Funreadable

Funeatable

Fundeletable

Funtreatable

Funbeatable

 

Funprepared

Funrepaired

Funacceptable

Funpredictable

Funfulfilled

Funderskilled 

Funrequited

Funinvited

Funrefined

Fundermined

Funrestrained

Funderpaid

   

Funtenable

Funeducated

Funsatisfied

Funedified      

Funmanageable

Funfathomable  

Funwell

Funresponsive

Funinfected

Funprotected

Funaffected

Fundetected

Funintentional

Funplanned

Funwanted

Funmanned

Funneeded

Funhygienic

Funaltered

Fundiluted

Funpolluted    

Fundeniable

Funreliable   

From Russia Without Love

 

Bored of life

I take up learning Russian

To what end?

Who knows

But I’m sure

it can’t be any worse

than Monday evenings home with mother

Querying the whereabouts of the TV remote

Her disdain for Ice Road Truckers

Punctuated by reminders

Of my increasing age

Yet constant location

 

My tutor

Masha she’s called

Calls to verify

my ongoing interest in the course

Her Russian accent

oozes through the phone and licks my ear

causing orgasmic whatevers

in all the appropriate regions

sending my voice an octave higher as it wavers clarification

 

Masha’s

voice

I’m joyed to discover

Is matched by the vision

a bone structure

and shape

I’ve been hard pressed to find

at the pub on the corner

or newsagents

bakers

or bus

I must

Make

This

happen

 

 

As weeks go by

I find

I’m not that good at Russian

I can’t roll my Rs

I can’t be arsed

To do all the homework required to nail it

I’m loathed to fail it

For fear of scuppering my ongoing

Charm offensive

Which in turn

Is weakening due to the constant

Mothering and hand holding I require to get through the simplest of exercises

No surprises

The patronising

Prize

For improver of the week goes to me

I’m expected to speak

Though my heart is pounding from a kiss on the cheek

From a proud

If a little condescending Masha

I’m fully aware the award is used by way of a confidence booster

Rather than an honest assessor of any actual achievement

Thank you

I say

In Russian

as titters fill the room

it transpires I actually said

I’m fine, thank you

Forget it

 

As the final session passes

The whole class passes

I’m suspicious as to the authenticity of the qualification

Anyway

We head to a bar for a celebratory drink and one more chance

For a nod and a wink with a hitherto impenetrable Masha

 

Upon arrival we’re welcomed

By a guy in a suit

He’s saved us a seat

He’s not one of us and I immediately dislike him

“Now then Masha, is this your class?”

A sleazeball grin and a voice to cut glass

“Oh yes, these are my little learners” she answers and ruffles my hair

I glare

as he swamps an arm around her and hogs her away

I stay for one drink then get on my way

 

Back home

I take out a pie and chips still warm from the oven

My mother calls through

“Do you wana watch that documentary? It starts at half 10”

I sigh

and answer

“Yeh, go on then.”