Jerry & Josh

Jerry and Josh are a gay couple out to buy a bed in a department store. Jerry is a 40 year old, desperate to look 30. Josh is a trendy 28 year old.

Jerry: Now this looks fabulous. (falls luxuriously onto a bed) Come on Josh, don’t be shy.
Josh: (unimpressed) I’m not getting a four-poster bed.
Jerry: Come on, live a little, we’d be like two princes.
Josh: I’ve got low ceilings.

(Jerry tries to pull Josh onto the bed)

Josh: Get off!
Jerry: (Getting up, feigning moodiness) Fine. Let’s see if we can find something a little more chic shall we?
Josh: Cheap Jerry, think cheap.
Jerry: Cheap?? Moi? Are you not going to treat me, love?
Josh: No, I’m not.
Jerry: (Sulking) You’re being a right moody chops today Joshua.
Josh: Am I ‘eck.
Jerry: You’ve hardly spoke.
Josh: Well I don’t need a new bed!
Jerry: Jesus Josh, we’re not sleeping across single, bloody beds the rest of our lives.
Josh: They’re fine, pushed together.
Jerry: With that gap? The black hole?
Josh: (Breaking a smile for the first time) It’s not that bad.
Jerry: I feel like Hell’s opening up when we’re straddled across it.
Josh: (Whispering embarrassed) Shhh Jerry, Jesus!
Jerry: Oh calm down, no one’s listening. (Sits on another bed) Ooo feel this one.
Josh: It’s a water bed.
Jerry: Well? Embrace the glamour, darling.
Josh: I’ll remember that, when you’re taking your sea-sickness pills before you get in.
Jerry: (Already looking a little ill) Hmm maybe you’re right.

(Josh walks away to look at other beds, leaving Jerry struggling, ungraciously trying to get off the water bed. Josh stops by a very plain and simple bed, by far the least extravagant in the store)

Josh: Right, this one looks fine. Who do we ask to buy it?
Jerry: Oh come on Josh, bloody hell. Trust you to find the most boring bed in the shop.
Josh: What’s wrong with it? It’s got four legs.
Jerry: Cows have four legs Josh, it doesn’t mean you want to sleep on them…and don’t mention that bouncer, he was big boned.
Josh: I just want a nice, simple bed, nothing fancy.
Jerry: Well fine, let’s have a bit more of a wander round, and see if there’s one we both like.
Josh: Why do we both have to like it? It’s going in my house.
Jerry: Well we’ll both be sleeping in it.
Josh: Not all the time we won’t be.
Jerry: What do you mean?
Josh: I mean, I’m gonna be sleeping in it every night aren’t I? You’re not.
Jerry: Oh, am I not?
Josh: What are you on about? You know you’re not.
Jerry: You said you wanted me to start staying over.
Josh: I said, ‘I’m fine with you staying over now and then‘, but not all the time.
Jerry: What are you saying?
Josh: Jesus Jerry. I’m not saying anything.
Jerry: What’s the point in me buying you a bed, if I’m never going to sleep in it?
Josh: You are going to. I just mean I might want some nights to myself, that’s all.
Jerry: Well how often do you need nights to yourself? I’m not spending all this if I’m not going to get my moneys worth.
Josh: (Sick of it) You know what, forget it. I was only accepting the bed off you, to make you happy, but if you’re gonna Lord it over me, then forget it.
Jerry: Lord it over you??

(Jerry suddenly dives to the floor)

Jerry: (Whispering loudly) Get down here!!
Josh: (Bewildered) What on Earth??
Jerry: Get down!!

(Josh slowly and confused joins Jerry on the floor, side by side behind a bed)

Jerry: It’s Kenny!!
Josh: Kenny?
Jerry: Kenny Kenny.
Josh: Ex-boyfriend Kenny?
Jerry: Yes!
Josh: Well why am I on the floor? He doesn’t even know who I am.

(Josh starts to get back up, but Jerry grabs him back down)

Josh: What are you doing?
Jerry: Stay down! I’ll look mental down here on my own.
Josh: Now we both look mental.

(Young, male sales assistant comes over)

Sales Assistant: Err..are you gentlemen ok? Do you need something?
Jerry: Hi, no we’re fine thanks.
Sales Assistant: A glass of water or anything?
Jerry: (Smiling nervously) No, we’re just a little tired, from all the walking around, you know.
Sales Assistant: Well you know you are in a bed store. Most customers choose to lie on the beds.
Jerry: Well no, you see.. (looks to an unimpressed Josh, for help that doesn’t look likely to come)..we’ve been smoking!! Heavy smokers the two of us. We didn’t want to get the smell on your lovely beds.
Josh: This is ridiculous. (Stands up)
Sales Assistant: Are you looking to buy a bed today? Or are you just having a look around?
Josh: We’re just having a..
Jerry: (Interrupting) ..We’re buying. (Stands up, looking around nervously but remaining amiable)

Sales Assistant: Ok, well is there a particular style you had in mind or..?
Jerry: Something plain and simple, for our Josh. (Smiles patronisingly at Josh, who rolls his eyes in response)
Sales Assistant: Ok, well if you’d like to follow me..

(The Sales Assistant walks ahead whilst the pair follow, speaking in hushed tones)

Jerry: Where’s he gone? Can you see him?
Josh: I don’t know what he looks like.
Jerry: What the hell is he doing here?
Josh: Buying a bed?
Jerry: He’s probably brought his toy boy and wants to rub my face in it.
Josh: Why would he know you were here?
Jerry: (Looking around suspiciously) He has his ways.
Josh: I think you’re being paranoid. Anyway, it’s nice to know he still has such an effect on you.
Jerry: You know he gets to me.
Josh: I know, and it does my head in. It’s been a year, you wanna get over it. You’re supposed to be with me for God’s sake.
Jerry: I know, ignore me, I’m being stupid. Oo are you being possessive Josh?
Sales Assistant: So here you can see we’ve got a nice, neat design, queen-size.
Jerry: Oo queen-size Josh. Sounds perfect for you.
Josh: (Notably ignoring Jerry’s joke) It’s too big really, I’m just after a regular double bed.
Sales Assistant: Ok, not a problem at all. This way.

(The pair follow the sales assistant. A man in his 50’s appears. It is Kenny. He is handsome and well dressed with a definite air of affluence)

Kenny: Jerry? Is that you?
Jerry: (Desperately trying not to hear him) So the queen size was a little large there, so anything smaller would be good.
Kenny: Jerry.
Jerry: Don’t worry about the price, I’ll cover that.
Kenny: (Now too close to ignore) Jerry, it’s Kenny.
Jerry: Oh, hiii Kenny, I didn’t see you there.

(Josh and the sales assistant walk on ahead)

Kenny: I did call your name three times.
Jerry: Oh well you know me. When I’m in the zone!..
Kenny: Losing your hearing in your old age Jeremy?
Jerry: Haha you cheeky thing. You’re only as only as old as the boy you feel.
Kenny: And who is the boy you’re feeling?
Jerry: Keep your eyes off him, he’s mine.
Kenny: Relax Jeremy, I’m glad to see there’s some life in the old dog yet.
Jerry: Old dog. I’m ten years younger than you, I’d like to remind you.
Kenny: But catching up quick by the looks of things.
Jerry: Have you heard..I go to the gym three times a week. I’m fit as a fiddle.
Kenny: I suppose you need to be, with that new beau of yours.
Jerry: Well, quite. Anyway, must dash. We have a new bed to buy.
Kenny: Aren’t you going to introduce me?
Jerry: No I’m not, I know what you’re like.
Kenny: Oh come on, we’re past all that aren’t we? Call him over.
Jerry: Uh, if you must. Josh darling! I have someone who wants to meet you.

(Josh walks over with the sales assistant following behind. Kenny looks slightly dumbstruck)

Jerry: Josh, this is Kenny. Kenny, Josh.

(Josh and Kenny exchange a rather awkward handshake)

Josh: Hiya.
Kenny: Hi.
Jerry: (To Kenny) What’s up with you? Cat got your tongue? I told you I hadn’t lost my touch.
Kenny: No. It’s great. I’m very pleased for the pair of you.
Jerry: (To Josh) How are the beds love? Seen any you like?
Josh: Yeh, we’re sorted. There’s one in the sale.
Jerry: Ok, as long as your sure.
Josh: Yep.
Sales Assistant: (To Josh) So it’s just the small matter of payment, if you’d like to follow me over to the counter.
Jerry: Oh, that’s me. I’m The Money.
Sales Assistant: Oh right. (Laughing politely) The bank of Mum and Dad eh?

(Josh, Jerry and Kenny all gasp. Jerry the only one not smiling)

Jerry: Are you havin’ a laugh?
Sales Assistant: Sorry Sir, Have I…?
Jerry: Yes you bloody have, insulted me, that’s what. Bloody hell! How much do you want? (Walks toward the counter with the Sales Assistant) Unbelievable.

(Josh and Kenny are left alone)

Josh: (Speaking in hushed anger) What the Hell is going on?
Kenny: I’m so sorry.
Josh: Kenny? Who the Hell is Kenny?!
Kenny: I had no idea it was you.
Josh: Jesus, Richard. What the Hell??
Kenny: Alright, calm down.
Josh: Don’t tell me to calm down. Why did you let him call me over??
Kenny: I didn’t know it was you.
Josh: I was right there!
Kenny: You know what I’m like without my glasses.
Josh: Jesus, Richard. What are you doing here?
Kenny: (Getting annoyed) I’m buying a bed Josh. I’m buying our bed.
Josh: God, I can’t deal with this. I need to get back to Jerry.
Kenny: Just wait Josh, I’m not happy about this either. How do you think I feel? You and Jerry in here, buying a bed together. It’s a shock to me too.
Josh: You knew I was with someone.
Kenny: Yeh, you said it was nothing, yet here you are buying a bed.
Josh: It was Jerry, I tried to stop it.
Kenny: You’re going to let him then?
Josh: What am I supposed to say?
Kenny: Just say you don’t want it.
Josh: (Raising his voice) What do you think I’ve been doing all day?

(They both stop, fearing they’re being too loud. They look over at Jerry, who is still busy filling in forms and sorting out the delivery)

Josh: (Much quieter) What’s all this Kenny business anyway?
Kenny: That’s my name.
Josh: Then why have I been calling you Richard the last three months?
Kenny: I knew you’d freak out if you knew I was Jerry’s ex.
Josh: You totally knew then! You totally knew, you lying bastard.
Kenny: I didn’t, I promise you.
Josh: You just said you didn’t want me to find out.
Kenny: I didn’t know for sure. I didn’t know for sure.
Josh: Bullshit, you didn’t. Why would you tell me you were called Richard?
Kenny: Because I wasn’t sure!
Josh: (Smiling and agreeing sarcastically) You weren’t sure.
Kenny: When I first spoke to you in the bar, you mentioned you were seeing someone called Jerry.
Josh: And there are so many gay, dental nurses called Jerry knocking around.
Kenny: And we were having a great time! So when you took my number, I didn’t want to ruin it so I just said Richard.
Josh: It all makes sense. You’ve been loving this.
Kenny: Josh.
Josh: Getting one over on Jerry. You’re loving it.
Kenny: No.
Josh: I’ve had dinner with your friends. Holy shit. They were all calling you Richard!
Kenny: Josh.
Josh: They were calling you Richard for God’s sake, I bet they found it hilarious.
Kenny: They didn’t.
Josh: You’ve been laughing behind my back, making a total fool of me!
Kenny: They loved you.
Josh: ‘Oh let’s all go round to Kenny’s and call him Richard all night, so his toyboy doesn’t find out who he is. What a good laugh we’ll all have.’ Bloody hilarious.
Kenny: Look Josh it wasn’t like that, don’t be like this.

(Jerry comes back over. Both stop talking immediately)

Jerry: Ooooo blimey, sorry love, that took forever. All the bloody forms they make you fill out, I feel like I’ve just signed my life away.

(Josh and Kenny both laugh uncomfortably)

Jerry: (To Josh) Ey, I hope he’s not been telling you all my dark secrets. Don’t believe a word of it.

(More uncomfortable laughter)

Jerry: Right, are we going? I’m starving. Nice to see you Kenny.
Kenny: Yeh, nice to see you.

(Jerry and Josh head for the door. Kenny trying to make eye contact with Josh but getting ignored. Kenny turns and walks away, frustrated)

Jerry: Was he alright with you? You seem quiet.
Josh: Ey, no. Yeh, he was fine.

(The pair leave the store)