Ladz Ladz Ladz

Night out with the ladz

Don your Topman pulling shirt

Inhale into your pants

Turn your cunt dial up to nine

And don’t forget your bantz

No mate, you can’t bring your girlfriend

This one’s just for ladz

Boys only, we’re not queer

Fosters tops are not dear

Feeling like Reservoir Dogs

More like presenting Top Gear

Form a queue outside the bogs

Cos Vinnie’s brought some top gear

Oi mate, where’s the fanny at?

Smash her mate and marry that

That’s a girl

Not a that

Vinnie’s having none of that

That’s because Vinnie’s a twat

Why’ve you gotta talk so loud?

I’m only stood right here

Why do you stop swearing

Whenever a girl comes near?

As if you’re being courteous

Like she could give a shit

Her mates talk even dirtier

You condescending prick

Won’t admit

Funny girls even exist

Come on, are we getting pissed, or what?

Down a Jager, neck a shot

Chug whatever else you’ve got

Slam tequila, sip a Bud

Now are we all feeling good?

Speak your mind, don’t preach

Twenty-nine pounds each

Waste of time, don’t teach

What his mind can’t reach.

Fading popularity with age

Naming no names

Who needs personality when you got drinking games

Hiding holes in character

Conversation barrier

As long as we’re all battered

We’re the LADS LADS LADS

Thinking doesn’t matter

With the LADS LADS LADS

Vinnie’s looking twatted

What a LAD LAD LAD

Leave your morals thataway

On it every Saturday

Tryna be a modern thinking LAD LAD LAD

Boyfriend Material

Am I just out of my depth here I wonder

I left my heart out, she got my number

I don’t mean like she’s gona ring me or owt

I mean like she’s on to me, she’s sussed me out

Like none of my usual antics affect her

She’s got an arrogant bullshit detector

Asshole protector

Try to correct her

Kicks me a kerb, rings her dad to collect her

Every 10 seconds the goalposts are moving

Started a loser, now I’m improving

Spend all my life trying to get to her standard

Then when I’m standard, that becomes standard

There’s a new standard, I’m left stranded

Wondering how in the hell I’m still standing

Climbing a staircase without a landing

Leave the labels out, show the branding

I’m fucking worth something

Real deal

Any old meathead can pay for a meal

Write his own name on Asda’s own flowers

Sit chatting in the sunshine for hours

I can do that if I put my mind to it

Romance isn’t dead when I do it

Write your hopes down, draw a line through it

Write them lower and I’ll get round to it.

I’m boyfriend material

Cold milk on your cereal

I won’t give you lovesick blues

I’m something more venereal

Not lovesick, disease

I’m down on my knees

I’ll go as low as you say so

I’m broken, trying to please

Hopeless apologies

Fog of good impression cleared

Late honeymoon period

Oscars for the smiles we’re faking

Sound of cheap promises breaking

Failing tests I wasn’t taking

You alright? Your voice is shaking

I remember when your eyes were blue

Now they’re red and kinda swollen

Endless happy days I’ve stolen

Richie, Ralph and Fonzarelli

Stood staring out of your telly

Like, “Mate what have you become?”

You took a live one, made her numb

You can’t sit with us

You don’t fit with us

She’s hard work. Trying your best

Sounds like shit to us

Not you, it’s me, a cop out

Phoney high school drop out

You could stop the rot

If you weren’t such a dirty stop out

Check your watch
Grab your crotch

One, two, three o’clock, four o’clock, rock

Said you’d be home by ten, you cock

Out of date milk on your cereal

Phoning in what should be real

You’re worth something more ethereal

I’m not quite boyfriend material

Roll Your Sleeves Up

Are you in or are you out?

We’re all out now, so what difference does it make?

What are we out of anyway?

Ideas?

What are all these fears

voting leave can disappear

Some small minded bullshit

Spewing out of your TV

Foreign people stopping you writing a good CV

Lefties label leavers either racist or deluded

Leavers feeling patronised

Frustrated, disenfranchised

Got just as shafted by the lies undignified as you did

We’ll put hospital funding up

Thanks for your vote, we made that up

Leavers left out in the cold

Hopeful youth all blame the old

Tight relationships unfold

Can’t refund what you’ve been sold

Who was clued up to decide?

Tabloid rags seek to divide

Who needs shelter from outside?

No thanks, asylum denied

Ignorance as British pride

Leaders queue up to resign

Blind chaos

No one in charge

Pop goes the weasel Farage

I didn’t vote UKIP

And if you didn’t then who did?

Saw the gaping void we left

And got himself included

We need to tighten up

Squeeze out the hate for love

Self-serving cunt demagogues

No power over us

Time to roll our sleeves up

Find some common ground

Form a plan that frees us

Make a positive sound

Democracy

What’s done is done

No use slagging anyone

You’ve had your car swapped for a bike

But you can ride it where you like

Ride it somewhere beautiful

Cynics learn to love

People can’t look down on us when we can rise above. 

I Wake Up Every Day

I’ve got a Black Cloud following me around

Try to ignore it but it’s getting too loud

Feel like doing nothing

Think I’m coming down with something

Pat on the back just for getting out of bed

Stood in the pie shop queue, full of dread

Some kind of hold up in the back

I think about a panic attack

Get out of there because it’s taking too long

Fog in my head like something’s going wrong

What would even happen if I just let it happen?

Gave up all the tapping and counting and let it happen.

Probably nothing but I don’t wana find out

Call from a girl friend seeing if I’m coming out

Can’t think of anything worse

Popularity is a curse

Hanging in groups is beginning to get tough

Keep my mouth shut, my brain has had enough

Think of something funny to say

I’ve got nothing funny to say

But I could win an Oscar for acting like I’m good

Standing there nodding like anyone else would

Lights are all on but there’s nobody in charge

Batteries gone and there’s nowhere to recharge

Some call it a rhythm and others call it a rut

Call it what you want, whatever it is I’m stuck

I wake up every day

I wake up every day

I wake up every day

I wake up every day

When I cross the road I don’t look each way

If a car comes, it comes, I’m ok

I wake up every day

Expanding waistband and tooth decay

Last demand, rent and bills to pay

I wake up every day

Cos I’ve got a Black Cloud who’s taken control

Flooded my heart out and stood on my soul

Athlete, now a lumbering zombie

Can’t breathe with fog octopus on me

Meltdown, screaming out for rock bottom

Cat with nine lives hoping I’ve got em

Dormant core strength prime to erupt

Don’t import pills, the file’s corrupt

Pay the gas bill and sober up

Save your ass, zip your lycra up

Cos I’ve got a background of pounding streets

And I’ve got a Black Cloud who can’t beat me

Hi-Tec Silver Shadows, I’m free

I’ve got a spare soul that you can’t see

I’m an invincible heart that beats

Yeh I’ve got a Black Cloud who can’t beat me

If we were all stars

If we were all stars

They would look at us all beautiful

Dancing in bars

All flawless and youthful

No sign of aging

zero grey hair

vision amazing

look up and stare

forever gazing

going nowhere

If we were all stars

They would all wana join us

Out every night so it’s hard to avoid us

Solo we so glow

Brighter in groups

Mates shine around us

Stars in cahoots

Like check out Orion, a right bunch of lads

The Big Dipper boys all hipsters and cads

Then Cassiopeia all glamour and cool

The Great Bear God bless em, all acting the fool

But it’s ok we know them, they went to our school

If we were all stars

They would look up and wonder

Who’s making that racket?

Who’s making it thunder?

A right royal rumble like we own the place

A body invincible floating in space

Where no-one can stop us, and why would they try?

A cool bunch of fuckers, it’s not gona fly

You wana see squad goals, look in the sky

If we were all stars

Then we’d wonder why

some of us sometimes

Would have to die

Our friend was a shooting star

You should’ve seen him

Eyes of a movie star, smile always beaming

Arms of a hulk were more likely to hug

If your life was a shooting pain he was the drug

Like yeh, we all twinkle

But he was spectacular

Hard to describe him without the vernacular

Voice of an angel

Charm of the devil

Just wish he had slowed down on his way to heaven

Hope God’s got a guitar turned up to 11.

They’ll ask us about him

And we’ll do our best

But it’s hard to explain a thumping in your chest

He was different, I guess

Think you just had to be there

Scorching the sky

How and why, what do we care?

We just took it in

And were grateful to be there

To witness a wonder

A memory we share

If we were all stars

Would we know what to do?

When left with a black hole

Where used to be you

Would we keep on shining?

I guess we’d have to

If we were all stars

Beaming top to bottom

The brightest of all of us

Never forgotten

Waiting for a beating

Waiting for a beating

I can’t wait to meet him

So I don’t have to spend my whole life

Waiting for a beating

Wonder how I’ll greet him

When I finally meet him

Take my glasses off, perhaps

Maybe lay down some sheeting

I’m expecting a bloodbath

Onlookers have a good laugh

A bunch of nosey fuckers

All revel in my comeuppance

Yeh, my uppercut’s a bit naff

But I’m up for a grudge match

He’s Rocky 3, I’m Clubber Lang

He’s 6 foot 3, down with a bang

Don’t want no anti-climax

Just a busted nose, an eye black

I’m not gona sugar-coat it

Imma kick his ass and smoke it

Now let’s not get carried away

You shit yourself the other day

When someone looked quite like him.

Saw a bush and jumped inside it

Stayed in there Monday through Friday

Check your balls I think they’re hiding

At the worst, I’ll get a hiding

Dent my ego, kick my pride in

But I’ll focus on the plus side

When I’m bleeding on the inside

Seeing stars lay on the ground

Thinking I look quite profound

Just how God loves all the tryers

The onlookers now admire us

Free cold pint of beer beside us

And some female sympathisers

Maybe it won’t be so bad

He’s every right for feeling mad

I kissed the girls and made them cry

And disrespected a cool guy

Now all the boys come out to play

I don’t intend to run away

It won’t feel right to swerve it

When I probably deserve it

So with open arms I’ll greet him

When I’m waiting for my beating