Jim and Jam go for a coffee

Jim and Jam enter a coffee shop and order at the counter, separately.

 

Jim - Where d’ywana sit? Outside?

Jam – Err, is it a bit cold?

Jim – Nah, it’ll be alright. It’s kinda sheltered I think.

 

Jim gets a Demerara sugar and goes outside. Jam joins him a few moments later.

 

Jam: Aah yeh, it’s not too bad is it? Where d’yget that sugar from?

Jim: Inside.

Jam: Did y’get me one?

Jim: No, sorry.

 

Jam goes back inside. Outside, a lady walks past the coffee shop, recognises Jim and says ‘Hi’. Jam comes back out with his sugar.

 

Jim: Did you see that lady, then?

Jam: No, who was it?

Jim: She was a teacher at our school. Margaret Turner she’s called, I see her everywhere, a real church type.

Jam: (not that interested) Oh right.

Jim: Every time I see her, I’m always doing something that makes it look like I do fuck all all day. I saw her twice last week, first time I was having a walk in the park, second time I was buying beer, during the day. I think she thinks I’m a right layabout. Now she walks past and I’m sat here, having a coffee at 10 o’clock in the morning. “Have yer seen that Jim Jones these days? He’s never doin anything!” I’m sure she thinks I’m sponging off my mum and dad or something.

Jam: Haha, you should strike up conversation and make her aware of your schedule.

Jim: Ha, yeh, I think I will. What’ve you been up to this morning?

Jam: Got up, had a shower, then came here.

 

A good looking, young waitress brings the coffees outside and places them on the table.

 

Jam: Thanks.

Jim: That’s brilliant, thank you very much.

 

She tells the pair to enjoy their coffees and goes back in.

 

Jam: She’s very attractive isn’t she.

Jim: Yeh, I spotted her last time, very nice voice.

Jam: Mmm, quite posh isn’t it.

Jim: Yeh. She also has a spectacularly nice arse.

Jam: Really? (looking around, intrigued) I haven’t seen it.

Jim: I’ll give you a heads up next time she comes out. What’ve you got?

Jam: Cappuccino.

Jim: It looks different to mine.

Jam: I didn’t get chocolate on mine. And yours is large.

Jim: Mine’s regular.

Jam: Is it? Mine’s regular…yours looks miles bigger.

Jim: They must’ve run out of cups.

Jam: This is an outrage.

Jim: It’s not that much smaller.

Jam: This is a tea cup, yours is practically a bowl. I might take it back.

Jim: Haha do it. Although that girl might think you’re a dick.

 

Jam shuffles to get up, but thinks better of it and settles down again, reluctantly stirring his coffee.

Jam: Sod it.

  

Jim: So, how are things going with the lovely Kate?

Jam: Claire?

Jim: Claire, sorry. Have you seen her twice since I last time saw you?

Jam: Hmm yeh. Err yeh, pretty good I think.

Jim: Is she….the one?

Jam: Nahhh, I doubt it. She’s alright. I dunno, I find she has too much of an opinion..

Jim: Haha, for what…a woman??

Jam: Nooo, just too much for a girl I’d want to be with.

Jim: Haha she sounds cool, I like a girl with a bit of spunk.

Jam: Nah, not like that. She has a really boring opinion, on everything, to the point where I find it quite preachy.

Jim: Patronising.

Jam: Yehh, like we were talking about gay marriage the other day, and she somehow manages to swing it around to like, apartheid and slavery and all that kinda stuff.

Jim: Blimey, bit heavy.

Jam: Yeh, and she kept going on about how Page 3 is an advocate for rape culture.

Jim: Jeez.

Jam: I know. Literally kept going on about it.

Jim: Do you think it is?

Jam: What?

Jim: An advocate for rape culture, Page 3?

Jam: Hmmm nahh. It’s more of a saucy postcard kinda thing isn’t it.

Jim: Definitely. If anything, the people against it are subscribing to a whole “She’s asking for it” argument. Which is probably even more derogatory towards women.

Jam: You do get arseholes though I guess.

Jim: Well yeh, that’s true.

Jam: Who see the sight of flesh as an invitation to treat.

Jim: ..and go around clubs, feeling girls arses. If anything, we should be getting rid of those guys, not the sexy women.

Jam: Hmmm kinda hard to do though.

Jim: Hmm. Those guys are ruining it for the rest of us. You’ve got foam on your beard.

Jam: Have I? Has it gone?

Jim: Yep. Is that it then, with Claire?

Jam: I dunno, I’m supposed to be meeting her on Thursday.

Jim: Did you have sex with her?

Jam: Not quite.

Jim: Everything but?

Jam: Yeh. I was a bit pissed when we got to hers.

Jim: Haha

Jam: So I had to do other stuff, hoping it’d help things happen but it was taking ages and we both had to get up in the morning, so we just ended up going to bed.

Jim: What about the morning?

Jam: I just got up and left.

Jim: You should’ve done it then, you’dve been up for it.

Jam: Nah, I’m not much of a morning person.

Jim: Neither am I, but I still like having sex with people.

Jam: Hmm nah, I never really fancy it.

Jim: I love morning sex.

Jam: I dunno.

Jim: Is she in to you, do you think?

Jam: I guess so, it was her who suggested meeting on Thursday. I don’t know why. I was quite grumpy last time.

Jim: Maybe she thought you were a brooding enigma.

Jam: Haha maybe.

Jim: What do you think these guys are, over here.

Jam: Who?

Jim: These.

 

Jim subtly gestures to a young couple over his shoulder.

 

Jam: What about them?

Jim: What do you think their relationship is?

Jam: A couple?

Jim: Nah.

Jam: I’d say first date, but it’s too weird a time.

Jim: Yeh. She sounds very arsey. And he’s kissing her ass. He definitely fancies her. Is she fit?

 

Jam looks over.

 

Jam: Hmmm yeh, she’s alright. Fitter than him, I’d say.

 

Both try to listen in on the couple’s conversation.

 

Jam: Is there a toilet in here?

Jim: Yeh it’s past the counter.

 

Jam gets up to go inside. Jim leans back to get a better listen on the couple talking. He thinks along with their conversation. The girl has a very noticeable American accent.

 

Girl: It’s like, I’d hate for people to think of me as American.

Jim: Despite the fact you clearly are.

Boy: Yeh, like, it’s not what defines you.

Jim: Ugh, God.

Girl: The things that America stands for, and what, like, the government stands for, doesn’t represent me, at all.

Boy: If you could be any nationality, what nationality would you be?

Jim: You fucking loser.

Girl: I don’t know, it depends on what, like, aspect of my life you were talking about. Say, if we were talking about education, I’d say, Chinese, because their education system is like, the best in the world.

Jim: Jesus Christ, you boring bitch.

Girl: Whereas when it comes to say, religion..

Boy: I think I’d be Italian.

Girl: Really?

Boy: I don’t know, they just always seem, really cool and stylish.

Jim: Hmm I’d go with that.

Girl: Yeh and they have a really strong, family ethic.

 

Jim shakes his head in dismay and ignores the rest of the conversation.

A girl walks past on the street. It’s Kit, a work colleague of Jim. Jim doesn’t let on to her but she sees him anyway and approaches.

 

Kit: Heyyy.

Jim: Hiya, how yer doing?

Kit: Excellent, thank you very much. Are you working today?

Jim: (gesturing to his surroundings) It would appear not.

Kit: Alright smart arse. Just trying to look cool, sat outside with your coffee?

Jim: Hey, I’m just having a coffee. If you think I look cool, that’s your opinion.

Kit: Whatever. What are you doing today?

Jim: Not a lot, just hanging around with my mate, then whatever.

Kit: Have you spoken to Jax at all this week?

Jim: Err a bit, yeh.

Kit: Was she slagging me off?

Jim: Haha not really, why?

Kit: Not really? What was she saying?

Jim: Well she mentioned about the party but I wouldn’t say she was slagging you off.

Kit: For fuckssake, she’s been telling everyone. It’s nothing to do with her.

Jim: Well Jen’s her mate though I think.

Kit: It doesn’t mean she’s gotta bitch about me to everyone.

Jim: Welll, it was obviously gonna happen.

Kit: She’s got everyone thinking I’m a slag though.

Jim: So what, who cares? Fuck em. You can do what you want.

Kit: I didn’t even know they were still together.

Jim: Haha yeh you did, come on.

Kit: I didn’t! Jon was saying they were having an on and off patch, so I assumed they were on a break or something.

Jim: Ha ‘WE WERE ON A BREAK’

Kit: Fuck off. Have you spoke to Jon?

Jim: Not since then, no.

Kit: I don’t know whether to text him or something.

Jim: Errr, I’d probably leave it for now.

Kit: I don’t want him to think it’s me who’s been telling everyone though.

Jim: I don’t think he will.

Kit: I just want to know where I stand.

Jim: I definitely wouldn’t ask him that.

Kit: God, everyone thinks I’m a total bitch.

Jim: Do they eck. Jon looks like the dick. You look like a bit of a bitch, but Jon looks like the dick.

Kit: Thanks a lot, Jim.

Jim: You know what I mean. You have been a bit of a bitch, but at the same time, you’re not the one with a boyfriend, so technically, you haven’t actually done anything wrong.

 

Jam comes back from the toilet.

 

Jam: Hiya.

Kit: Hiya, y’alright. Not going to introduce us, Jim?

Jim: Wasn’t planning on doing.

Jam: Jam, how are yer doin?

Kit: Hiya Jam, I’m Kit.

Jim: The girl who shagged Jon.

Kit: FUCK OFF Jim! Fucking hell.

Jam: Oh right, haha y’alright?

Kit: Right, I’m going, you’re such a dick Jim.

Jim: Haha shut up, he doesn’t care.

Kit: When are you next in?

Jim: Thursday

Kit: Bloody hell, skiver. Right I’ll see you on Thursday.

Jim: See you later. Stop worrying.

Kit: Right, see yer.

Jam: See yer.

 

Kit walks off.

 

Jim: Have you been havin a shit?

Jam: No I haven’t.

Jim: You were gone ages.

Jam: I was asking the girl about the cakes.

Jim: Fit girl?

Jam: Yeh.

Jim: Motherfucker. Did you not get one?

Jam: No, they look like the same ones my Nan sells in her café. I was wondering if they got them from the same place.

Jim: You smoothy. Did they?

Jam: She didn’t know.

Jim: Haha

Jam: To be honest, I’ve no idea where my Nan gets hers from, so it wouldn’t have made a difference if she did know.

Jim: (Sniggers amused)

Jam: That girl’s nowhere near as fit as Jen.

Jim: Who, Kit?

Jam: Yeh.

Jim: I reckon she is.

Jam: Nah

Jim: She didn’t look great then, but she usually does …when she’s done up.

Jam: Jen’s like, flawless though. I don’t know what Jon was thinking. She’s like, perfect girlfriend material.

Jim: I don’t know about that.

Jam: D’yer not reckon? She’s really good looking, like perfect almost, and she’s really cool and funny. And clever.

Jim: Sounds like you’re in love with her.

Jam: Haha I am! She’s amazing.

Jim: She’s cheated on him though.

Jam: Has she?! Who with?

Jim: (grinning) Guess.

Jam: No she hasn’t.

Jim: Haha

Jam: Have you really?

Jim: Yeh

Jam: No way! You bastard. When?

Jim: Once, about a…

Jam: More than once??

Jim: Ha yeh, about a month ago. Then again, about two weeks ago.

Jam: No way. You bastard. Was it good?

Jim: Yeh it was pretty amazing actually.

Jam: I bet it was. Fuck me. How did this happen?

Jim: Just on a night out. Jon was acting like a dick and she was really upset. So I was playing Mr Nice Guy.

Jam: You dirtbag.

Jim: Then the next time she just came round mine during the day, and it happened again.

Jam: Unbelievable. Does Jon not know?

Jim: Not that I know of. He’s being strangely nice to me if he does.

Jam: She’s totally gonna tell him, now all this has happened.

Jim: Hmm, I am mildly concerned about that, I must admit.

Jam: God, you’re gonna look like a right dick.

Jim: Why am I? I’ve not done anything wrong. They’re the ones in the relationship. I can do what I want.

Jam: Hmmm can you though?

Jim: Yeh. I think so.

Jam: Hmm I guess so. Haha nice one man, good on yer.

 

Attractive waitress comes outside to collect their cups.

 

Waitress: Can I get you any more drinks?

Jim: Errr

Jam: Errr What do you reckon?

Jim: Errrm yeh, I wouldn’t mind another.

Jam: Yeh? Err yes please.

Waitress: Same again?

Jim: Yeh regular cappuccino please, thank you very much.

Jam: Yeh same please. But regular.

Waitress: (confused) So that’s…two regular cappuccinos?

Jim: Yes thanks.

Jam: Yeh, the same, thanks.

 

Waitress goes back inside.

 

Jim: You’re a dick.

 

They both laugh

 

The End